The voices say mean things

I went to support group today. The speaker today was a Licensed Professional Councilor that has a practice that treats only patients with eating disorders. When I heard the topic I decided that I wanted to go badly. I actually used a vacation day from work to be there. I really can't describe how glad I am that I did.
She talked about strategies for success in the future, but even more importantly she talked about negative self talk. She said that statistically those with eating disorders (including those like me with a food addiction) deal with a constant feeling of failure from the failed diets, a constant feeling of guilt for eating those things that they shouldn't and self hatred.



She described my mornings to a tee. "Wake up, get undressed for a shower and say to yourself 'Man, I can't believe I'm so fat." or other derogatory statements. I remember thinking awful things about myself from childhood. The earliest I remember it was second grade. So, from about 8 years old, to now. At 8 years old, I weighed well over 100 pounds. At 12 it was 200. At the age of 8 I could wear clothes that fit my mother. I remember standing in the mirror and staring at myself. My mom used to tease and pinch my belly fat and say "Pinch an inch." I can remember pinching the couple of inches and thinking "Ew, I'm gross." At 12 I remember thinking "MAN, I AM SO FAT." As I got older I remember thinking "What's the point of trying, I'm never going to be thin." Most recently, when I was my fattest, I would think "I am the fattest person I know" or I would walk into a room and make note that I was the fattest person there.
We were talking about things that we're afraid of, and I mentioned that my biggest fear is gaining the weight back and not being able to have the wonderful active lifestyle that I enjoy now.
The councilor said to me, if that's what you think about, that is what will be. You need to focus on the positive and say "I am so proud of myself and so thankful to be active."
Each of us who are addicted to food have accepted the identity of "fat girl." She said it doesn't matter how thin you are, if you look in the mirror and say "I'm so fat." That's what you'll see.
I think that may be why I've been so discouraged. The voices still say mean things.

She also said it isn't healthy to fixate on food. I'll admit it's all I think about. I plan out all of the meals I'm going to eat in my head before hand. I eat only the items on my list. Everything I eat, I think "This is going to make me fat." Maybe a little worry is ok. But I'm doing my best to eliminate the negativity.

I am proud of myself. I do think I look so much better. I know I can hit my goal. This is my new goal to stop the negative self talk.

The councilor said that is what it takes to be successful. Which is really what this whole journey is about.

Also, during the meeting, one of the ladies made the statement "There is nothing that tastes as good as being thin feels." Good point. Very good point.