Then and now.

Today was a really busy day. I woke up early and went running. While I was running, my dad brought Jonah over to the park to play. I ran two miles and then sat and watched him play on the playground there. Jonah and I walked home and we decided on the way home that it was such a nice day, that we should go hiking. When we got home, I asked my dad if he would go with us. He agreed and said he knew a great place to go.

We went to antelope island and did a little hike. It was really fun until the way back. It was breezy and nice and I was happy that there were no bugs (the biting gnats didn't come until the way back)






It was a really fun and active day though. I had such a fun time with my kids. It made me kind of sad. I realized how much I've missed out on being fat.

I was so tired before that I couldn't do anything. I fell asleep just sitting in a chair.

I am SO thankful to have the new life that I have. I sleep less, I have so much more energy then I ever imagined possible and I have a fun life where I can do the fun things that I've wanted to my whole chubby life.

Things have gotten so much easier. I can walk, run or even dance more than 4 or 5 steps without being out of breath. I can fit in a seat in an airplane or movie theaters, finding a bathroom stall big enough is no problem. I don't have anxiety about going to an amusement park and not having the seat belt fit. It sounds weird, but really, things are so much easier.

5k This week.

(on my way for a long bike ride, and yes, I'm aware exercise outfits are against the blogging laws...but eh, it's OK.)


Yikes. Where did the time go? I'm supposed to be training for a 5k, and I have excuse after excuse. But, I haven't run in a week. I have done multiple long bike rides, and other fitness activities, but I'm very concerned that I won't be able to run the whole thing. I need to pick it up a little this week.

Now, I'm not saying that I haven't been training my guts out, but I'm still a little anxious about it.

If the rain would just stop and this cold would go away, that would just fix a lot of the problems!!!

But I'm looking forward to it, I guess we'll see how I do!

Bikes and more

Ok, I am SO sick. I blew off my exercise two days ago because I didn't feel well. I still didn't feel well at all yesterday (or at this very moment) I took a half day and came home. I really felt like I HAD to exercise because I hadn't the day before. I rode my bike from my parents house to the bike trail in Clinton and then to about Kaysville I think, It's hard to tell on the trail. It was about 9 1/2 miles I'd say and at the time, it made me feel about 1000 times better (I feel like garbage this morning, so it was temporary.)
The bike trail is just lovely, especially on the Clinton side, but there is one super annoyance. There is one section of the track where UTA wouldn't grant the city permission to have a crossing, they've even put up a fence to hinder our efforts. One of the bikers said that they didn't want a lawsuit...Seriously? You don't allow me safe passage, you make me climb a huge hill, fencing, and stinging netal all while carrying my bike and you think that if you granted me safe passage that I'd sue you???

So annoying.

Today, I hit my half way mark. I've officially lost 100 pounds. In two days it will also be 5 months since my surgery. I can't really believe it's been five months, the time has gone pretty quickly. Honestly it's hard for me to believe that I've lost 100 pounds too.

I had a follow-up with my doctor yesterday. I was supposed to go for my 1 month follow-up, when I did he had to go to an emergency surgery and so we had to reschedule, and I've never gone back...so here we are at 5 months, I figured it was probably time.

He was really happy with my progress, everything was great, and I don't have to go back until my year mark. Fabulous.




He wants me to lose another 70 before December, I'm hoping for more than that. I guess we'll see. I'd like to be at my goal weight by December.

I have the whole summer, I'm so excited for bike rides and running this summer, if the weather would only cooperate!

Week 19.5

It will be 20 weeks (5 months) on Wednesday. Here are my photos for the week. I've lost 98.5 pounds in that time, I'm really hoping by Wednesday to hit the 100 mark.

Hair

I don't know if something I'm doing is working, or if my hair loss has just slowed down. All I know is I have been taking biotin for months, I added vitamin e, fish oil (3x daily) I started that about 2 weeks ago, and then this week started using nioxin shampoo and conditioner.

The last two days I've only lost between 2-4 stands of hair, which I'm told is normal. Hopefully this trend continues.

Never thought day shift would be hard

This is seriously how I feel. I never thought that I'd EVER have a hard time with a day shift. Seriously. I've worked 7 pm to 3:30 am for a year and a half. I finally landed a day shift and right now, it is killing me. At the beginning of the week, I felt great and well rested. Tonight, I could die. Seriously. The problem is that my body wants to be awake at night. Each night I've gone to bed by 10 pm and I toss and turn until about midnight. (It doesn't help that people were jogging on the treadmill or rollerskating in the kitchen-ok...I don't know what they were doing in the kitchen, but to me, it sounded like roller skating.

I worked out every day when I had the night shift, but my will to live has been kind of drained and I have missed the last two days at the gym. I have got to get out of this funk and adjust to this shift.

I do love the shift and it's amazing to be done by 3:30 pm. It gives me a whole new outlook on life, tonight, I just feel tired.

Things that are untrue

No. Everyone does not poop. Most people do, except those who eat only protein diets, atkins and the like. No fiber...no bread. Need I say more.

Just sayin' I've read thousands of blogs, and I never have read anything about this.

I understand less in means less out, but doesn't explain weeks at a time. So here's the TMI post of the month. Consider yourself over informed.

A day in the life of me (mealwise)

I've had a lot of people ask me what kind of food I can eat. I usually explain that it's protein and veggies with very little carbs (only the natural carbs I get from veggies, no simple carbs) But then I often get questions because I can't eat bread, tortillas or anything like that.

This is what I ate today.


BREAKFAST

Jamba Juice Yogurt & Sorbet Bar Coconut Pineapple Passion Smashin-90 calories




(purchased at walmart. It has the same calories and nutritional information as yogurt, but it's amazingly delicious)

LUNCH

6 shrimp w/ cocktail sauce 50 calories
1/4 c.green beans 10 calories



DINNER
2 oz boneless skinless chicken breast 83 calories
1/4 c. green beans 10 calories



SNACK
Jamba Juice Yogurt & Sorbet bar 90 calories





Total of 333 calories for the day.

Week Eighteen

Ok, first of all, I'm aware the jeans are too big and make me look fatter. I can't find anything that fits...that isn't too much for just a couple of weeks.

This is my eighteen week photo. 96 pounds lost total.

I haven't been posting every week just because I'm not seeing a big difference every week anymore. I really don't see much of a difference between week 16 and week 18.

I've been working at running for a couple of months. The goal, run a 5k. Not walk, but run. At first I could run maybe 10 steps. I'm up to running at least 1/3 of a mile with out stopping and overall running most of a mile and a half. I can easily make the 3 mile distance. Today, I decided that I would time myself. I will admit there were a couple of variables. 1. I was pushing Jonah in his stroller (and he weighs about 50 lbs) and it was REALLY windy. All that considered, I am running about a 14 minute mile. MAN, that is sad. (it was 13 minutes 42 seconds) I'm really hoping that tomorrow, when it's just me running that it will improve!!!

Magic Shampoo

As I've talked about before, my hair is falling out. I am not taking in enough calories, 400-500 per day and so the body cuts non-essential functions like hair and nail growth. If your hair doesn't get enough nutrients, it dies and falls out.

The good news is that it will most likely grow back. I have researched online what exactly you can do to prevent hair loss after surgery.
1. Take Biotin
2. Take Vitamin E
3. Take Fish oil capsules
4. Use Nioxin shampoo.

The biotin, vitamin e, and fish oil capsules were only a couple of dollars each, the Nioxin shampoo, $30 for a bottle. I used to make fun of people who used rogaine type products. Here I am now, researching the cheapest place to buy things like that. Luckily I found someone on ebay selling shampoo and conditioner for $5 and there was no shipping. SO...I guess I'll try it out.

I doubt it's magic. It did make my head all tingly this morning when I used it for the first time. I guess we'll see.

Also, I'm aware it's been awhile since I've posted pictures. They are coming soon. :)

The voices say mean things

I went to support group today. The speaker today was a Licensed Professional Councilor that has a practice that treats only patients with eating disorders. When I heard the topic I decided that I wanted to go badly. I actually used a vacation day from work to be there. I really can't describe how glad I am that I did.
She talked about strategies for success in the future, but even more importantly she talked about negative self talk. She said that statistically those with eating disorders (including those like me with a food addiction) deal with a constant feeling of failure from the failed diets, a constant feeling of guilt for eating those things that they shouldn't and self hatred.



She described my mornings to a tee. "Wake up, get undressed for a shower and say to yourself 'Man, I can't believe I'm so fat." or other derogatory statements. I remember thinking awful things about myself from childhood. The earliest I remember it was second grade. So, from about 8 years old, to now. At 8 years old, I weighed well over 100 pounds. At 12 it was 200. At the age of 8 I could wear clothes that fit my mother. I remember standing in the mirror and staring at myself. My mom used to tease and pinch my belly fat and say "Pinch an inch." I can remember pinching the couple of inches and thinking "Ew, I'm gross." At 12 I remember thinking "MAN, I AM SO FAT." As I got older I remember thinking "What's the point of trying, I'm never going to be thin." Most recently, when I was my fattest, I would think "I am the fattest person I know" or I would walk into a room and make note that I was the fattest person there.
We were talking about things that we're afraid of, and I mentioned that my biggest fear is gaining the weight back and not being able to have the wonderful active lifestyle that I enjoy now.
The councilor said to me, if that's what you think about, that is what will be. You need to focus on the positive and say "I am so proud of myself and so thankful to be active."
Each of us who are addicted to food have accepted the identity of "fat girl." She said it doesn't matter how thin you are, if you look in the mirror and say "I'm so fat." That's what you'll see.
I think that may be why I've been so discouraged. The voices still say mean things.

She also said it isn't healthy to fixate on food. I'll admit it's all I think about. I plan out all of the meals I'm going to eat in my head before hand. I eat only the items on my list. Everything I eat, I think "This is going to make me fat." Maybe a little worry is ok. But I'm doing my best to eliminate the negativity.

I am proud of myself. I do think I look so much better. I know I can hit my goal. This is my new goal to stop the negative self talk.

The councilor said that is what it takes to be successful. Which is really what this whole journey is about.

Also, during the meeting, one of the ladies made the statement "There is nothing that tastes as good as being thin feels." Good point. Very good point.

Confused

Some things make absolutely no sense. I messed up yesterday (I've already talked about the quiche incident) so I accidentally ate too many calories...and also didn't work out for two days. Normally, I lose about a pound a day. Today, I lost three pounds. I don't get it, but I'll take it.

Just Kill Me Now!

Just kill me now, seriously. I found this recipe for a crustless quiche online on the Rocky Mountain Associated Physicians forum. It looked so good and it bragged only 100 calories. I made it and it was delicious. The only problem, I think the recipe meant for me to make them using little mini-muffin cups. I used regular ones. When I calculated the calories (after I've had them for every meal for 2 days) They are approx 200 calories for 1. Um, my limit is 500 for a day!!!! OH MY GOSH. I could die.

90 pounds

So I'm feeling much better about life in general. I didn't get to work out today, so I'm feeling a little blah, but I'm still better. I've hit the 90 pound mark. Really, I feel pretty good about it, since it's only been 4 months.

I've decided to cut my caloric intake a little. I have been eating about 500-550. I'm going to cut 100 calories a day and see if that helps with the weight loss (My doctor reccomends 300-500 for this phase.)

I'm also going to increase my excercizing to 1 1/2 hours at LEAST 6 days a week. I had been doing this, but during the last couple of days, I've let myself get away with just a 20 minute run and no weight lifting.


Hopefully that will help. Yay for 90 lost. I'm hoping to hit 100 in the next 2 weeks.

Fat day

I don't know what my problem is. No matter how much weight I lose, I still feel HUGE. Don't get me wrong, I feel amazing..that is energy wise. But I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I've always lacked, well for lack of a better word, coordination. I'm just not graceful. I used to blame this on my weight. (Try being graceful at that weight, I dare you!) But, the more I lose, the more I realize, I'm still uncoordinated and not really that athletic AND I'm still fat. I've got another 100 pounds to lose at bare minimum. That's just frustrating to me.

You know, I felt good about life until I went into Old Navy. I was thrilled to fit into a men's XL sweatshirt. But, I need jeans, and sorry, I can't wear man pants. There was a sale on jeans, my friend said she got a couple of pairs for $4. Me, being the ever thrify bargain hunter decided to go and check it out. Clothes today are not made to make a big girl look good. In all other stores, I'm wearing an 18. I'm happy with that. I went into Old navy and the 18s could not be zipped. Not even close. Also the only clearance item in a size 20 was a super short skirt. I tried it on for fun. You ever seen what a chubby girl looks like in a really short skirt? Depressing. So I've been feeling kind of down lately. I feel like the weight should be coming off a little faster.

A girl on the forum posted that she had lost 108 pounds (she had surgery the day before me) but the same girl posted somewhere else that she had lost 80 pounds so she may be a big fat liar.

Also, I'm really sad about my hair. It sounds lame. I've lost all this weight, if I lose a little hair, what's the big deal? I've had super short hair for YEARS. I love it. I've always thought that I look good in the super short cuts. My hair was one of the few things I liked about myself, and now, it's falling out. (not just a little) but in huge freaking clumps. I added a bunch of protein, but the nurse at my doctor's office says there is nothing I can do, that it is just the "trauma" from the surgery. Also my body isn't getting very many calories, so it cuts non-essential functions, like hair and nail nutrition.

I know this post is kind of a downer, but that's how I'm feeling, kind of down.

Chocolate and Dirt

I am ALWAYS looking for ways to get enough protein into my diet. I'm restricted to about 500 calories a day. My doc recommends eating at least 60 grams of protein each day....have you ever tried to get that much protein in that few calories? It's tough. You have to be SO careful what you eat. Also one of the joys of gastric bypass is that if you don't eat enough protein, it stalls your weight loss and makes your hair fall out. Super.

One of my friends at work recommended I try the Atkins Advantage bars. They have pretty low calories for the 10+ grams of protein. I've tried pretty much all of them and found the one I like the best is the double chocolate caramel.
I'll admit, in the past I was a chocolate snob. If it wasn't "good" chocolate, I wasn't wasting my time with it. Since I haven't eaten sugar, bread or any simple carbs for 4 months, my standards have lowered significantly. I'm aware of this, but I also weigh 88 pounds less than I did while eating "good" chocolate, so hey, it's worth it.
About two weeks ago, Lisa was at my mom's house and was looking for snacks to take with her to work. I suggested one of my protein bars and she took it with her. Apparently it took her two weeks to work up the courage to try it.

She reports it's the most disgusting thing she's ever eaten. That it tastes like a combination of chocolate milk powder and dirt. Eh, that's because her standards are too high. She'd find it luscious too if she hadn't been corrupted with my mom's delicious home made brownies and sugar in general. I know they're no European chocolate or mint truffles (TRUST ME, I KNOW!!!!) But, with how I eat now, they are a luscious extravagance, and I'm fine with that.

I bought a bunch of high protein shakes and protein bars at costco today. I'm really going to try and ramp up my protein and water intake. (I had a clump of hair fall out in my hands today...and no, *sob* I don't want to talk about it)

Petite, or not.

I am not really that short. I just have really short legs. I have always looked for petite sizes just because they are the right length. Apparently, I am not petite. Because my bootey and thighs do not fit in petite pants. SO apparently, my problem finding pants that fit is......(wait for it).....I've been looking for the wrong size. Yay me.