Obviously when I was fat, food was an issue. It's still an issue. I was and remain a total foodie. I have 10 years worth of the taste of home cook books, and I will admit, they are amazing. My mom has been going through them trying out new recipes.
When I started my journey, it was easy to say no to all the deliciousness that my mom makes.
The day I came home from surgery, my mom made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and her homemade chocolate cake. I will admit, I cried. I didn't eat it though.
I'm just over 10 months out now, and I'll admit I sometimes have bites of things that aren't on my food list.
Last night, my mom made hawaiian eggrolls (recipe here) homemade sweet and sour sauce, fried chicken and won tons.
I told her we weren't going to eat. To which she responded "So I made all of this for nothing?" I said in response "Um, none of this is on my list, so you didn't make this for me!"
Obviously I started with intentions of not eating any of it.
Then she laid the fried crispy egg rolls on a paper towel and I thought "I'll just have a bit of one."
No. I ate an entire one. Plus another. and a couple of bites of rice. I stayed under my 600 calories, but I'm up .4 pounds this morning, and I can't help but wonder why food continues to be an issue for me.
I make goals of not cheating again, and then I let little bites sneak in there. I'm just mad at myself this morning and I'm dedicated to not cheating again. I can re-add carbs when I hit my goal weight. But this is going to prevent me from losing the last 35 pounds I have until I get to goal weight.
To be honest from what you say about your Mom, I have no doubts as to "why food continues to be an issue for me."
ReplyDeleteShe said, "So I made all of this for nothing?" She is guilt tripping you by essentially saying if you don't eat what she made then you make all her efforts nothing. There is also love mixed up in there as well if you don't eat what I made for you, you don't love me, you don't appreciate me (meaning your mom). That kind of attitude will destroy you, it did destroy you. Do you have other family members and friends that act this way way with you and food?
Its amazing to me how much our mind, emotions and social behaviors are mixed up in eating. Like last night I had both hot chocolate and ice cream. I did not go over my calorie goal, but I didn't want the ice cream, I only ate it because my husband and friend wanted some.
I came across this (http://www.edition.cnn.com/2011/11/14/health/lose-weight-mouth-shut-secret/index.html) article last night. I think not telling anyone what you are doing has its merits. A month ago Aaron's family finally noticed we'd lost weight and since then I've lost less than any other month. There are other contributing factors, but sometimes I do feel scrutinized.
As always you inspire me. Thank you so much for sharing what you've been through.
This is so much harder when others are trying to sabotage our efforts. Whether the sabotage is intentional or not, it is sabotage nonetheless - especially, as Hykel said, when it is mixed with love. Hang in there, Lauralee, and don't let a mistake talk you into thinking you are a failure. I know it is probably hard to talk to her about it without getting emotional, but does your mom understand what she is doing to you?
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