Week Fourty-four

This is not the best picture due to the fact that the shirt and pants are pretty big on me, but I don't have a better one, and I just realized that I haven't posted a pic for about a month. It's time. I promise to post a better one next week.

St. George was wonderful. We hiked Kolob, Snow and Zions canyons. We hiked miles and miles. It was so fun that it was hard to leave!

BMI

I woke up this morning down .2 pounds. Never have I been so excited to lose .2 pounds. This took my BMI to 39.8. I'm now "overweight." When I started this journey, my BMI was 60. I was considered supra obese. Today, I'm 30 pounds away from a "normal" BMI.

We're going to St. George this weekend for some sun and hiking. Back on Sunday. (I'll post new weekly pics when I get back)

Double post day-Lots on my mind

Today, I got up and have spent the morning going through clothes that no longer fit. For some reason I keep holding on to a few, that are obviously big, but they're so cute, I think "Maybe I'll just wear it one more time!"

I have been given lots of clothes from some of my sweet friends. Many have just sat in the bottom of my closet for months. I used to try them on weekly, but I had given that up because it was kind of depressing. Today I tried on size 14s from Banana Republic, Gap and Old Navy and they all fit. YAY.

As for comments left earlier. I know why I eat. Yay therapy. I associate food with love. I blame no one else but myself for feeling that way. We all do this. Oh, kid...you're crying. Here eat a cookie. I've seen myself do that with my own kids.

I've self medicated when I didn't feel loved.

I've often related my family to a big italian family. With Mormons, food is love. You're sad, here...eat.

Once I got to a certain point, it was like "Why bother." Also an anti-seizure medication I had to take as a child made me gain a ton of weight.

All of that being said...the reason that I was fat, is because I hadn't learned to overcome the environmental temptations.

It doesn't matter if you eat healthy, the rest of the world will eat what they want, life goes on. Part of being successful is learning to say "eh, no thanks."

It's a skill that I'm still working on, but I know it's going to be important for me to ultimately succeed.

Life happens, and I want to succeed.

Food

Obviously when I was fat, food was an issue. It's still an issue. I was and remain a total foodie. I have 10 years worth of the taste of home cook books, and I will admit, they are amazing. My mom has been going through them trying out new recipes.

When I started my journey, it was easy to say no to all the deliciousness that my mom makes.

The day I came home from surgery, my mom made fried chicken, mashed potatoes and her homemade chocolate cake. I will admit, I cried. I didn't eat it though.

I'm just over 10 months out now, and I'll admit I sometimes have bites of things that aren't on my food list.

Last night, my mom made hawaiian eggrolls (recipe here) homemade sweet and sour sauce, fried chicken and won tons.

I told her we weren't going to eat. To which she responded "So I made all of this for nothing?" I said in response "Um, none of this is on my list, so you didn't make this for me!"

Obviously I started with intentions of not eating any of it.

Then she laid the fried crispy egg rolls on a paper towel and I thought "I'll just have a bit of one."

No. I ate an entire one. Plus another. and a couple of bites of rice. I stayed under my 600 calories, but I'm up .4 pounds this morning, and I can't help but wonder why food continues to be an issue for me.

I make goals of not cheating again, and then I let little bites sneak in there. I'm just mad at myself this morning and I'm dedicated to not cheating again. I can re-add carbs when I hit my goal weight. But this is going to prevent me from losing the last 35 pounds I have until I get to goal weight.

The real me

When I've talked about my life before, the big me, I've described it as a past life. It seems so long ago, and I sometimes forget that was me.

I was talking to my friend Jessica today and she described it as a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. That's really the best way I can describe it.

I'm the same person, but I feel like I'm the person that I've always wanted to be. I've reached my potential, and I had no idea really who I could be!






I'm spunky and fun and so very happy with my life. I've finally realized I do deserve to be happy. I'm making decisions and living my life in a way that I am. I know, novel right? Well, it's a big step for me.

One-der-land

When I started this journey at 361 pounds, 10 months ago, I set the goal weight of 160. It seemed completely unattainable. If I'm being honest, I thought at the time, "If I can get down to 220, I'll be happy."

That was a lie. I wasn't satisfied with 220.

Today, I entered one-der-land. I stepped on the scale today and weigh 199. yes 1-9-9. I have no memory of ever weighing that. Probably because the last time this happened, I was 11. In my adult life, I have never ever visited one-der-land.

I'm fairly small on top, but yes, the ghetto booty is still here. I can wear a Small to medium top, but I am still in a 14-16 pant, go figure.

The highlight of my week was when I went to Kohls and tried on an extra small and it fit. I've concluded that Kohls must run kinda big..but it's still very exciting. I brought it home and Lisa said it fit her. Lisa is small on top, small on bottom, where I'm small on top with a total ba-donk-a-donk, but it's the first time in my life that I've been even close to the same size.

New Accomplishment!

So I will admit, that I haven't tried to do chin ups in any form because I have weak arms and because I still think of myself as fat. Sometimes I surprise myself.

Chad and I went to the gym today and after riding the elliptical for a half hour, we went to the weight room to lift some weights. I have stared at the assisted chin machines for about 8 months too afraid to try it.

Today, I tried it, and I did it easily. I only did 25 lifts, but still pretty good. I was so proud of myself. I tried doing them the last time I lost weight and wasn't able to. It felt great!

Weeks Thirty Nine and Forty

Forty week photo.


Week thirty nine photo.

This week I'm 1 pound away from being in the 100s weight wise. Also, I actually weigh the number on my drivers license. That's something that has never happened.

I fit into a small this week. I have cheated a little. By cheating I mean eating a tablespoon of rice on occassion. I've decided I'm not eating carbs again till I hit my goal weight. I'm only 40 pounds away from reaching my goal weight, something I never really thought was possible. I'm starting to see that it is!

Size Small

The other day I was at Kohl's. I am queen of the bargain rack. It's been awfully expensive losing as much as I have, just because I've lost more than a full dress size per month.

I saw this cute dress. It was kinda short and sleeveless, but figured it would look really cute with leggings and a jacket or sweater. Also, it was the wrong size. Size small. I've never in my life ever worn a women's small. This was in the juniors section, so I figured that a snowball had a better chance in that warm place, but decided to add it to my stack of "things to try on."

I tried it on and it fit. I figured it was clearly mislabled, but sometimes you just have to buy a dress when you fit into and it's a small. (Am I right or am I right?)

So the week following this, I went with my boyfriend back to Kohls to try and find him a nice dress shirt.

I picked up a stack of items to try on from the clearance isle. Never in my life have I ever owned a "little black dress." I have owned black dresses, but I was anything but little.

I found one black dress that I loved in a extra-large and in small, nothing in between. I picked both of them up to try. The extra large was huge. HUGE. The small fit. But it appears that this girl can't buy every small dress that she fits into, because that's really my size.

I know, right? SMALL? But I've come to that conclusion, due to the fact that multiple small items fit me. They can't all be mismarked, RIGHT?