My greatest struggle

Two years ago, if you had told me one day i would weigh in around 178, i wouldnt believe you.  If you continued and told me i would wear a size 8-10, i would be thrilled.

Keep in mind that 178 is 25 pounds less than what I weighed when I was 12 years old.

When i weighed 362, I couldnt fathom such a dream. When I Set my goal weight at 160, in my head,I didnt believe that I would get below 220, which was the lowest weight I had gotten down to as an adult.

Now, I am less than 20 pounds from my goal weight.  The plastic surgeon says I have 30-40 pounds of excess skin.

I am not satisfied.

I want to be smaller. I want to be more toned. 

When I was big, I thought those who were fat were everyone bigger than me.   The smaller I get, the smaller my picture of fat gets.

I was talking to a friend at work about this.  She pointed to my collar bone, which is now very deeply carved and she said "girl, look at your collar bone, you don't have a penny to spare."

I used to make fun of people who were size 8 and convinced they were fat.

Ironic much.

I have been very concerned about my obsession and my inability to accept myself. 

This Saturday, I am starting to attend classes Held by my church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for people with eating disorders. 

I have been in therapy for two years dealing with my food issues.

That being said, I realized something yesterday. Yes, i have extreme ocd about the food I put into my body. Yes, I workout a lot.  Striving for perfection has taken me to places I never imagined possible.  I AM HAPPY.  Someday, maybe I will be satisfied.  But, I am happy.

On the surgical Front, my surgery date is August 16 to have my excess skin removed from my abdomen and back. 

I am very excited for that!