Judge Not!

Sometimes I feel like others judge me still as if I still was very, very fat.

My short comings as a very large person were obvious. My house was a nightmare. Some days I could have been featured on hoarders. Not because I held on to stuff too long, but because I was too dang tired to keep it clean.

I tried. I have a little OCD. Mess drives me crazy. I was too physically exhausted to do any better. I was doing my absolute best.

I wasn't the best mom, I wasn't the best wife. But I did all that I physically could under the circumstances.

I was working two jobs and at the end of the day, that was all that I physically could do.

I do struggle with body image and I see myself as much bigger, but I think others sometimes see me as the Uber-fat Lauralee.

There are many things that have changed for me over the past year. I am the mommy that I want to be. I play with my kids. We laugh and joke and romp and play. My house is clean. I mean really, really clean. my cupboards and closets are clean. The kids clothes are ironed. At the end of the day, I'm not exhausted. I love my life, my husband, my kids and my job.

But, those who knew me before, still often treat me like the super fat girl I once was. Don't get me wrong, I am super. Just not fat.

To those who have judged me, or any other fat people, I have lost 180 pounds. If you can put 25 pound leg weights on each of your ankles, 10 pounds on each of your wrists and a 120 pound backpack on your back and do all of the tasks that you do in a day, good for you. I couldn't.

I am so thankful every day that I had gastric bypass. It has completely changed my life.

There are the little things a person takes for granted. I fit into a chair at a movie theater. I can fit in an airplane seat or bathroom stall. Seat belts in all cars fit me. Those are small.

It used to take me an entire day to clean my house. It takes me 1 1/2 hours. That's kitchen and bathrooms scrubbed, floors vacuumed, dusted, everything. What has really given me the happy life I love is being able to play with my kids and clean my house. That's what I am thankful for.

Body distortion

I've realized that often I use this blog to voice my frustrations. I am going to start by saying overall, I am very happy with myself. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

That being said, I still feel like a very fat person. My motto could be "fat guy in a little coat," very very literally. I know in my head I'm normal. My BMI tells me that. Rationally, that makes sense. When I stop to analyze things, I can clearly recognize that.

I sometimes worry that my head is wired wrong. I honestly feel the same fears and anxiety when I weighed 361 pounds. I still check before I sit down to evaluate if a chair can hold my weight. I look for the largest bathroom stalls. I avoid sitting on benches or busses next to strangers (big bum anxiety)

When people tell me I'm adorable or little, I instantly think they are being condescending.

I'm not little. I'm a size 12-14. I'm average I would say. Seriously Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.



I don't know why I'm not satisfied with where I am at, but I'm not.

I've lost 175 pounds in 1 year. I was hoping for 200. I want to be at goal. Chad says I'm being unrealistic and that I've done amazing. He thinks I'm too hard on myself. I do appreciate the support, but the weight loss has really slowed down.

Part of my problem is that 600 calories no longer fills me up. I've moved to closer to 700-800 calories. That is what satisfies me. I worry the increased calories is slowing the process too much. If I eat less than that, I get dizzy and don't feel great, so I'm sticking with what my body says that it needs.

Just thought I'd put this out there and talk about it. I know others in my boat that feel the same way, but I'm ready for my head and my body to be on the same page!

1 year

It's been 1 year. One year since I took control of my life. I've lost 173 pounds in a year, and somehow I still feel like I've failed a little. My goal was to lose 200 pounds, I'm just not quite there yet. Also I have added a small amount of carbs back into my diet and my weight loss has slowed significantly. In November, I lost 15 pounds, this month, I've lost 8. Yes, 8 pounds. I am aware the less you have to lose, the slower the weight loss is, but it's still frustrating. I have 26 pounds to go, and that could take another 4-5 months at the current rate.

On the bright side of things, I've lost 173 pounds in one year. I've gone from a size 28/30 to 12/14. I am physically active and happy.

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I've created a whole new life for myself. I'm getting married tomorrow (photos to come!)

I know it's been awhile since I've posted a picture, but I don't really see a difference anymore.