Changes

Well, I've been reflecting a lot this week. I really can't believe how much my life has changed in just under 9 months!

I just accepted a job as a gate agent for Delta Airlines. I've worked in reservation sales for 2 years. It's ok to be fat in reservations! No one sees you. As a gate agent not only do I have to lug big suitcases all day, I have a uniform to wear. I've never had a job that required a uniform. NEVER. Simply because I have been the fattest person I know for a very long time! It's kinda like the bridesmaid thing where all the girls are skinny and then there's 1 fat one. You think "One of these things is not like the others" (of course singing in your head) No? Ok, maybe I'm the only one that's had that experience.

I am still a little nervous about wearing the little dress or the pant and tucked in shirt, but it will be ok.

Anyways, I had to pass a physical endurance test to get the job and I'm proud to say that I passed.

My dad worked as a ticket agent for the old Frontier airlines. I remember going to see him when I was just a little girl. He would have me come back behind the counter and I would staple the crap out of the ticket jackets. I thought he had the coolest job, and I've always secretly wanted to do that. It's a job that fat people can't do. That's just how it is. I couldn't have passed the physical test before. Also the uniforms only go up to s size 24, and though I'm much smaller than that now, I was much,much bigger than that before.

In the last 9 months, I have lost 150 pounds, but I've also gone from a BMI of 61 to a 32. Yup, 32 is still obese, but dude, I'm so close to being in the "overweight" range. If you think it's tragic that I'm so excited to just be overweight, consider this. At the end of my 6th grade year, I weighed 218 pounds. Yes, I was 12 years old. I weigh less today than what I weighed at 12 years old. I've lost almost half of my original body weight.

I can ride my bike for miles and miles and miles. I used to struggle to walk up 5 stairs.

There are also changes in the love life department. I won't say much here, but I am dating someone who is the most amazing kindest man I have ever met!

My therapist got teary as I told him about it and said that it made him feel good inside to think that his therapy has worked and I've finally broken the cycle of choosing abusive men that were unwilling or unable to take care of me.

I like to think that I'm one step closer to having a whole, healed me.

I start my new job on monday, and it feels like a brand new life is ahead of me.

What does 146 pounds look like? Week 36

I don't know why I'm so self critical, maybe that's because I've been that way my whole life. I will admit I am much more self confident, but when I look at myself, I still think "fat." When I look at my picture, I don't think I am fat. I have 50 pounds to go until I hit "goal" but I'm smaller now than I ever imagined that I could be. The last post I posted, I almost didn't post the picture of Jonah and I because I think it makes my butt look big, and I'm self conscious of the ghetto booty. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with a girl with a little junk in the trunk. I'm not sure why I worry about it.

I took my picture this morning and was evaluating if I should post it or not because I don't do cap sleeves, I have issues with my arms. I was going through the pictures and I clicked back 1 too far...and came to my first picture the day before surgery. Wow, yeah, I guess 140 pounds is kind of a big deal. It made me realize, I'm really pretty little considering.

140 + pounds

So it's been about 8 months and I've lost 140 pounds. Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around that. Sometimes I still feel fat, but not this week. This week has been awesome. Yay for good weeks! I went dancing this week. It's really the first time I've been out dancing since, well I don't remember but lets just say the last time I went dancing, "the running man" was cool. Ok, maybe it wasn't THAT long ago, it was when I went with my cousin Jen to bricks the night she met Ryan. Jen has been gone over two years. It was a couple of years before that. Jen was and is gorgeous. When we went dancing it was a blast. I was always "the fat girl" though. At least that's how I felt. I would stand by the side while Jen danced pretty much every slow dance. The dance that I went to was for LDS singles 30-65...and yes that to 65 is a little frightening, but it was really fun. This time though, I was the thinnest (in our group). That really was a first for me and I danced pretty much every dance. It was a good time.

I can now fit into clothes that I once held up and couldn't imagine ever fitting into something that small. I'm down to a 14-16 jean and a women's medium. Maybe someday I'll lose the bootey-but apparently not yet. :)