The Truth

Well, in 3 months we have lost 3 babies. 3. We got pregnant right after my miscarriage. I was so thankful. At my last OB appointment the PA had a hard time seeing the heartbeat. She said the problem was that there were two sacks, but she said she thought she saw movement. She sent me to the hospital to be checked by a doctor because my doctor was delivering a baby. We went to the hospital and the tech took me back. She gently touched my leg and said "They've passed." She was so kind. She sat at the table, my legs in stirrups and cried with me. It was a much better experience than the one I had at McKay Dee hospital. I will say, at Brigham hospital, they took care of my emotional needs. But, in the end, the result was the same. Except, this time, we lost two.

The movement the PA saw was MY blood flow in the uterus.

This loss has been profound for me. I had once been motivated to finish my associate's degree this summer. Now, I'm taking the summer off, and spending time with our kids and riding my bike. I figure, Fall will come soon enough. I need time to heal. Not just that. The pressure of maintaining the perfect grades and being as ill as I was, has just taken a toll. Sometimes, I think it takes greater strength to recognize your limits.

I'm lucky. I have a husband who loves me. He gently cares for me. He lays next to me and kisses my hair while I cry into a pillow. I have emotional support. He helps with kids, he takes them to school on days that all I can do is survive.

Why? Why this? Why now?

I thought I had it all figured out. I used to have hypothyroidism when I was heavier. After I lost weight, my doctor had me go off of all of my medication and said we would check levels and see what medications I needed to be on. I don't take anything except vitamins. I was certain with the high risk of miscarriage associated with hypothyroidism, they had simply forgotten to check those levels. But, my blood work is NORMAL. There is nothing physically wrong with me. My thyroid issues have actually resolved. My doctor joked that I'm a model patient because I work out and am obsessive with how I eat.

I said "Oh, so model patients have 3 babies die in 3 months?" His explanation. Simply bad luck.
I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to plan, organize and be prepared. I don't trust things to chance, fate or luck. I told our doctor that we would still love a baby. He told me now is the time if we're going to do it. The older I get, the worse off I'll be. Emotionally, physically, I have to take a break. Not just from school, but from the idea of a baby.

We named them. All three. It may sound weird, but it helped give me closure. Ada, Jack & Jane. I'm so sad that we lost them. I'm coping, but I cry almost every day.

I've had friends tell me that I am the strongest woman they know. That's the reason for this post. I don't feel strong. What I feel is weakness and failure. I cry. every. single. day. (sometimes more.) I get up, I do what is required for every day function. And when no one else is looking, I cry.

To give the illusion of strength is a fraud. It's not real. It's not what I'm truly feeling. I am just doing what I have to. It's kind of like auto pilot. My kids have to be cared for, My husband-he needs me too, my homework needs my attention. So I do that. But, in the moments, when I'm by myself, I'm not strong.

I laugh and sometimes joke dryly. It's my way of dealing with the pain. It doesn't make me strong. I just prefer to cry by myself. That is the honest truth

There is a blog that has helped me greatly. I posted it on facebook as well, but if you've experienced a miscarriage or loss of an infant, I encourage you to read it. http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html

On Thursday I'm getting an award at Weber State. It's part of the Women of Weber awards. I'm getting "Women of Wellness." It's ironic, but this is the least well that I've been in awhile. But it motivates me to get stronger. To do better, and to achieve wellness, both physically and mentally.