The Truth

Well, in 3 months we have lost 3 babies. 3. We got pregnant right after my miscarriage. I was so thankful. At my last OB appointment the PA had a hard time seeing the heartbeat. She said the problem was that there were two sacks, but she said she thought she saw movement. She sent me to the hospital to be checked by a doctor because my doctor was delivering a baby. We went to the hospital and the tech took me back. She gently touched my leg and said "They've passed." She was so kind. She sat at the table, my legs in stirrups and cried with me. It was a much better experience than the one I had at McKay Dee hospital. I will say, at Brigham hospital, they took care of my emotional needs. But, in the end, the result was the same. Except, this time, we lost two.

The movement the PA saw was MY blood flow in the uterus.

This loss has been profound for me. I had once been motivated to finish my associate's degree this summer. Now, I'm taking the summer off, and spending time with our kids and riding my bike. I figure, Fall will come soon enough. I need time to heal. Not just that. The pressure of maintaining the perfect grades and being as ill as I was, has just taken a toll. Sometimes, I think it takes greater strength to recognize your limits.

I'm lucky. I have a husband who loves me. He gently cares for me. He lays next to me and kisses my hair while I cry into a pillow. I have emotional support. He helps with kids, he takes them to school on days that all I can do is survive.

Why? Why this? Why now?

I thought I had it all figured out. I used to have hypothyroidism when I was heavier. After I lost weight, my doctor had me go off of all of my medication and said we would check levels and see what medications I needed to be on. I don't take anything except vitamins. I was certain with the high risk of miscarriage associated with hypothyroidism, they had simply forgotten to check those levels. But, my blood work is NORMAL. There is nothing physically wrong with me. My thyroid issues have actually resolved. My doctor joked that I'm a model patient because I work out and am obsessive with how I eat.

I said "Oh, so model patients have 3 babies die in 3 months?" His explanation. Simply bad luck.
I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to plan, organize and be prepared. I don't trust things to chance, fate or luck. I told our doctor that we would still love a baby. He told me now is the time if we're going to do it. The older I get, the worse off I'll be. Emotionally, physically, I have to take a break. Not just from school, but from the idea of a baby.

We named them. All three. It may sound weird, but it helped give me closure. Ada, Jack & Jane. I'm so sad that we lost them. I'm coping, but I cry almost every day.

I've had friends tell me that I am the strongest woman they know. That's the reason for this post. I don't feel strong. What I feel is weakness and failure. I cry. every. single. day. (sometimes more.) I get up, I do what is required for every day function. And when no one else is looking, I cry.

To give the illusion of strength is a fraud. It's not real. It's not what I'm truly feeling. I am just doing what I have to. It's kind of like auto pilot. My kids have to be cared for, My husband-he needs me too, my homework needs my attention. So I do that. But, in the moments, when I'm by myself, I'm not strong.

I laugh and sometimes joke dryly. It's my way of dealing with the pain. It doesn't make me strong. I just prefer to cry by myself. That is the honest truth

There is a blog that has helped me greatly. I posted it on facebook as well, but if you've experienced a miscarriage or loss of an infant, I encourage you to read it. http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html

On Thursday I'm getting an award at Weber State. It's part of the Women of Weber awards. I'm getting "Women of Wellness." It's ironic, but this is the least well that I've been in awhile. But it motivates me to get stronger. To do better, and to achieve wellness, both physically and mentally.

Weight Loss and Pregnancy.

I fear that in many ways this blog has fallen by the way side. I have simply run out of things to say. I want to say something interesting, but I am at the maintenance phase. I reached goal weight, and I've been here for awhile. I have envisioned writing posts about my life each day, and all they would be is "Still maintaining." A few months ago, Chad and I decided that we would try to get pregnant. Seriously, I got pregnant that week. This was astonishing to me. I had so many fertility issues with both Logan and Jonah. To get pregnant with Logan, I was taking 8 Clomid at once. It was insane. It took 3 years of trying, and 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments with Logan. With Jonah, I knew it was going to be an issue. So 4 months after Logan was born, we started fertility treatments. They are almost exactly 2 years apart. Chad and I were shocked at how quickly I was able to get pregnant. We were thrilled. We had names picked out and started stock-piling diapers. Then, I miscarried. It was horrible. I cried and cried. Chad was so sweet. We met with my doctor who kindly told me I was no longer pregnant. He gently added insult to injury "You're getting older. If you are planning on another, we should come up with a game plan." His plan was to start me on Clomid with my very next cycle. That was never necessary. I was pregnant 9 days later. I kept thinking to myself, "Eventually these hormones are going to balance out, and this nausea will go away."

I took a test and it was positive. Then, the REAL vomiting set in. At about 7 weeks, my vomiting led to Orthostatic Hypotension (dehydration that leads to low blood pressure and passing out) I passed out and tumbled down 10 stairs. The lies that I told myself before I went into this pregnancy became painfully obvious. (Both figuratively and literally) 1.IT WILL BE EASIER BECAUSE I AM IN BETTER SHAPE This may be the case later in the pregnancy. We will see. But as my doctor said "Hormones are hormones." Yeah, I guess being thinner won't help with that. Also, I may be thinner, but I'm almost 9 years older than the last time I did this (and last time I did this, I lost 85 pounds!) 2. I WILL WORKOUT MORE I am so dehydrated and ill, I can barely walk. On my good days, I go for a 30 minute walk. On my bad days, I focus on Nots. Not killing my kids or my husband. This is a far departure from the 70-80 squats and high intensity workouts I was doing less than 8 weeks ago. 3. I WILL EAT ONLY A PERFECTLY HEALTHY/BALANCED DIET Sometimes, when you vomit so much, basically everything you eat, when you can keep down a lemon scone, you eat lemon scones (often). Then you go to pinterest and try to find the recipe for the fatty lemony deliciousness in scone form because calories are better than nothing. (right?) You try to justify eating whatever you can keep down despite your nutrition minor education that tells you that you should never ever ever eat scones as a primary source of calories. Often times, being over weight is blamed for every single medical condition known to man. This month I have realized, losing weight did help my infertility issues. But, I am at an ideal body weight, I live a healthy lifestyle and I suffer from extreme hyperemesis. My doctor has put me on home care and I will be giving myself Iv's at home and attempting to finish school. If I lose any more weight, I will have to get a feeding tube inserted. This is my reality. This has been my reality. Being thin didn't fix it. It's something I can manage and maintain, but there's no magic cure (that will come before October when our sweet baby is born) But, I'm thankful to have this as a problem and have a baby coming to our family.

Big News

I've stayed away a long time. I have had people use this blog as a way to "keep track of me." People that I would prefer not to have in my life. I guess that's what happens when you collect ex husbands. Chad and I celebrated our second anniversary last week. What a lucky girl I am! Many people have asked us if we would have more children together. Instead of reliving painful fertility issues with each and every person that asks the question, I have simply answered the question with a myriad of responses including, "Don't you think 4 kids is enough?" or "I have a six year old and 3 eight year olds." Neither of these answered the question. But generally people ask this question to make conversation, not because they are actually interested in the details. It's like when someone asks "Hey, How are you doing?" They don't want to hear "It's been an awful day...." They are expecting the response "good." When people ask the question "Will you have kids?" They want a yes or no answer. There were so many factors. I fear getting fat. I have lost over 200 pounds. Yeah, I have no desire to be fat again. I have had a tummy tuck to remove excess skin. A baby will ruin my cute flat stomach.

It took a huge amount of fertility treatments for me to get pregnant with both Logan and Jonah. It took 3 years to get pregnant with Logan. Two years with Jonah. It was very trying. At one point, I took 8 Clomid at once in addition to Glucophage in an attempt to get pregnant. I am at the point in my life, that I don't take medications unless absolutely necessary. Clomid has a huge risk of ovarian cancer associated with it and Chad and I decided that the risk was not worth it to us. He said he'd rather not have a baby and still have a wife. With that in mind, In September, we decided to try and get pregnant. I have gotten the Depo Provera shot for 2 years. I have heard that Depo can stop pregnancy for at least as long as you were on it. My time frame was 35. If I wasn't pregnant by 35, I was done. I was going to have a hysterectomy and call it good. The risk of complications are just too high older. I am fairly high risk anyways. I turn 35 in June. My cycle didn't start until late November, and here I am in January, 7 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled, excited, nervous (very nervous) and still worried about how this will affect my body. I have been a bit of a slacker since I started school a year and a half ago. My 5 days a week work out routines have turned to 3 days a week....if I'm lucky. My rigid healthy eating habits have bended a little and I allow us to eat the occasional pizza or treat. I have gained 10 pounds. My tummy tuck was very difficult to recover from and I have still not built all of my muscle mass back. This year, I have new incentive to get super in shape. It can only help my pregnancy and delivery. My diet is back on track. Nothing processed, nothing in without nutritional benefit for my mini monkey. I am taking adolescent nutrition this semester in school which is very fitting. My teacher is a Registered Dietician and I am meeting with her this week to get a diet plan set up. I plan to continue exercising. I read this article this week and it helped to ease my fears. I am having a baby. My cute belly may not survive. That's ok. http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html I will eat healthy, workout and do my best. It's all I can do.