How I stick to it

I get teased for how I eat often. Its in fun, and I don't mind.   I was talking to a friend on my break.   Our Boss brought in bbq sandwiches, Chips and cake.  I ate my own lunch: a half Sandwich, veggies and cottage cheese and a half banana.  She asked me “Is it hard to always follow your diet?“ 

For me, it isn't.  I ate that stuff and weighed 362.  For me, I recognize the consequences of eating poorly.

For me, this isn't a diet.  This is how I eat.  This is my life.  It is happy and wonderful and I wouldnt change a thing.  I eat the way I do because, even though I have had to learn the hard way, I have learned there is nothing more important than my health.

How do I do it?

I buy fresh fruits and  vegetables.

I don't buy junk or processed foods.

I make a weeks worth of crackers, granola and granola bars each week.

It is extra work to make things myself.  I have invested in quality blenders, food processors, dehydrators and pasta makers to make my work easier.

I put healthy foods at eye Level.  Veggies are kept on the top shelf instead of hidden in a drawer.

I cook, every single day. We do not go out and never eat fast food.

Miracles

Sometimes little events happen, small little details that, when added together, make one giant miracle.

That is the story of my life lately.

First, the doctor told me that insurance would never pay for the removal of my extra skin.

He submitted it anyway.  Three months later, I got a letter saying they would cover it.

I instantly called my surgeons office and talked to them.  They said I would still have to pay the co pay, coinsurance, and the hospital fees...in advance.  We are talking about $4,000 (We don't have $5 some days)

I started fundraising and raised very small amounts, but not even 1/10 of what is needed.

I called and talked to the hospital and found that 1. My insurance covers 100% of the hospital stay and the copay is $100.

I talked to our insurance and found that with my gallbladder surgery, i have met my deductible and have to pay 30% (which cannot be required in advance because it is medically necessary)

The money raised was EXACTLY enough (within a few cents)

Then, I found out at work that I cannot just request time off, instead, I have to trade off.  Trading 18 shifts is SO hard.  It was daunting.  I had two individuals pick up the majority of my shifts.  I have 5 left to get off.  My manager says if i can get off 1 more shift, he will work with me.

Many small events that lead to one miracle.  My surgery is happening August 16.

I am very thankful!

My greatest struggle

Two years ago, if you had told me one day i would weigh in around 178, i wouldnt believe you.  If you continued and told me i would wear a size 8-10, i would be thrilled.

Keep in mind that 178 is 25 pounds less than what I weighed when I was 12 years old.

When i weighed 362, I couldnt fathom such a dream. When I Set my goal weight at 160, in my head,I didnt believe that I would get below 220, which was the lowest weight I had gotten down to as an adult.

Now, I am less than 20 pounds from my goal weight.  The plastic surgeon says I have 30-40 pounds of excess skin.

I am not satisfied.

I want to be smaller. I want to be more toned. 

When I was big, I thought those who were fat were everyone bigger than me.   The smaller I get, the smaller my picture of fat gets.

I was talking to a friend at work about this.  She pointed to my collar bone, which is now very deeply carved and she said "girl, look at your collar bone, you don't have a penny to spare."

I used to make fun of people who were size 8 and convinced they were fat.

Ironic much.

I have been very concerned about my obsession and my inability to accept myself. 

This Saturday, I am starting to attend classes Held by my church (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) for people with eating disorders. 

I have been in therapy for two years dealing with my food issues.

That being said, I realized something yesterday. Yes, i have extreme ocd about the food I put into my body. Yes, I workout a lot.  Striving for perfection has taken me to places I never imagined possible.  I AM HAPPY.  Someday, maybe I will be satisfied.  But, I am happy.

On the surgical Front, my surgery date is August 16 to have my excess skin removed from my abdomen and back. 

I am very excited for that!

Thankful

The further I go on this journey, the more I realize what amazing friends we have. Not only that, but the more I appreciate my sweet husband! We did another yard sale today. Because of the unfortunate last sale (where the sprinklers turned on, drenching our clothes) I got to re-wash and fold all of the clothes for the sale today. Chad stayed up until way after midnight to help me. Friends from our ward brought items to donate over, and one of my sweet friends brought over some gorgeous porcelain dolls. Overall, we did pretty well. We've raised just over $100 so far, and while it's not the goal, it's a step in the right direction. I am thankful for the type of friends and neighbors that we have. My sweet husband spent the majority of 6 hours out in the middle of the sun. He wouldn't let do it. He is completely sunburned and exhausted. I am just thankful for how sweet and kind he is to me. We are going to do other fundraisers next week, including selling pizzas, but I am so thankful to our friends and family that have supported us by giving us items to sell and also buying items from our sale.

A Big, Fat, Thank You!

I really want to thank everyone that came out and supported us with our yard sale on Saturday. I am so very thankful for all of our friends and family. We were only able to sell for about 3 hours, because we got a horrible call that Chad's sweet son Zachary had broken his leg. It was a sale that was never meant to be, just as we got that call, the front sprinklers went off and drenched all of the clothes, so I had to take them in and wash them all. We were really lucky to have a very successful sale in spite of all of that. We were only selling for 3 hours and made $60. We are very grateful for that. In preparing for the sale, Logan decided that he wanted to sell all of his toys to help. I agreed to allow him to help, but instead had him sell goodies. It was so touching though to see what a giving and generous little man I have raised. Our next sale will be Wednesday, July 4 from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. We will accept donations any time prior to that or all day long. Any and all items are appreciated. Our address is 1957 W 300 N, West Point 84015 We can pick up items as well. Give me a call 801 425 8880.

Surgery and fundraising

Great news this week.  I found out that the insurance company is going to pay for a tummy tuck and back lift. 
When I met with a plastic surgeon months ago, he told me the insurance would NEVER cover it.  He encouraged me to finance the entire $20,000-$30,000.

Sadly, if we were in a position to financially, the procedures would be done already.

Dr.  Malan said he would bill the insurance and see what happens. 

I got notice today that a stomach and back lift have been approved by insurance. 

This is exciting but the hospital portion of my medical bills have to be paid in advance.  $4,000.

I feel a sense of urgency because my approval only lasts until November.  My surgical date is August 16.  So the question is "Is it possible to raise $4,000 before August 16?  I pray that it is.

We are starting with a yard sale this weekend...(we will also hold one July 4)  anyone wanting to donate items can drop them at 1957 w 300 n west point 84015

I have had mixed reviews.. of support and lack of support for this surgery.  I had someone tell me to work on the inside because the outside doesnt matter.

I disagree.  How I feel about myself does matter and having mounds of extra skin affects your self image, unless you are a Sharpei. 

The rolls of excess flesh are daily reminders of the lonely, sad, abuse filled life I once lived and constant reminders of the anguish and self loathing I once felt.  Does it make me shallow to want to leave this behind?  Maybe.  But I am a size 8.  I have to shove 30-40 pounds of flesh into my clothing or wear clothes that are too big.  My doctor warns the excess flesh around my vital organs is just as dangerous as fat.   Its a self esteem thing, a health thing, but its also a step to leave the self-hating obese Lauralee behind. 

Sorry for the graphic images.  They are for those who say "It can't be that bad, I have had babies.  I have wrinkles"  

No.  You have never lost 185 pounds.  You had 10 pound babies.  It isnt the same.   I look good in my clothes,  I know that.  I am little, surrounded by fleshy-ness

The second picture shows lifted how much better it will be.  Extra skin is removed from below the bust and pelvic line front and back.

I will be honest.  This was the most difficult of all my posts.  Its the most vulnerable.  Its real.  Its what really happens following weight loss surgery.  Thats what this blog is about. 

A day in the life of me: a food journal

I often get asked what I eat.  This is everything that entered my mouth today.