The Truth

Well, in 3 months we have lost 3 babies. 3. We got pregnant right after my miscarriage. I was so thankful. At my last OB appointment the PA had a hard time seeing the heartbeat. She said the problem was that there were two sacks, but she said she thought she saw movement. She sent me to the hospital to be checked by a doctor because my doctor was delivering a baby. We went to the hospital and the tech took me back. She gently touched my leg and said "They've passed." She was so kind. She sat at the table, my legs in stirrups and cried with me. It was a much better experience than the one I had at McKay Dee hospital. I will say, at Brigham hospital, they took care of my emotional needs. But, in the end, the result was the same. Except, this time, we lost two.

The movement the PA saw was MY blood flow in the uterus.

This loss has been profound for me. I had once been motivated to finish my associate's degree this summer. Now, I'm taking the summer off, and spending time with our kids and riding my bike. I figure, Fall will come soon enough. I need time to heal. Not just that. The pressure of maintaining the perfect grades and being as ill as I was, has just taken a toll. Sometimes, I think it takes greater strength to recognize your limits.

I'm lucky. I have a husband who loves me. He gently cares for me. He lays next to me and kisses my hair while I cry into a pillow. I have emotional support. He helps with kids, he takes them to school on days that all I can do is survive.

Why? Why this? Why now?

I thought I had it all figured out. I used to have hypothyroidism when I was heavier. After I lost weight, my doctor had me go off of all of my medication and said we would check levels and see what medications I needed to be on. I don't take anything except vitamins. I was certain with the high risk of miscarriage associated with hypothyroidism, they had simply forgotten to check those levels. But, my blood work is NORMAL. There is nothing physically wrong with me. My thyroid issues have actually resolved. My doctor joked that I'm a model patient because I work out and am obsessive with how I eat.

I said "Oh, so model patients have 3 babies die in 3 months?" His explanation. Simply bad luck.
I don't like to feel out of control. I like to be able to plan, organize and be prepared. I don't trust things to chance, fate or luck. I told our doctor that we would still love a baby. He told me now is the time if we're going to do it. The older I get, the worse off I'll be. Emotionally, physically, I have to take a break. Not just from school, but from the idea of a baby.

We named them. All three. It may sound weird, but it helped give me closure. Ada, Jack & Jane. I'm so sad that we lost them. I'm coping, but I cry almost every day.

I've had friends tell me that I am the strongest woman they know. That's the reason for this post. I don't feel strong. What I feel is weakness and failure. I cry. every. single. day. (sometimes more.) I get up, I do what is required for every day function. And when no one else is looking, I cry.

To give the illusion of strength is a fraud. It's not real. It's not what I'm truly feeling. I am just doing what I have to. It's kind of like auto pilot. My kids have to be cared for, My husband-he needs me too, my homework needs my attention. So I do that. But, in the moments, when I'm by myself, I'm not strong.

I laugh and sometimes joke dryly. It's my way of dealing with the pain. It doesn't make me strong. I just prefer to cry by myself. That is the honest truth

There is a blog that has helped me greatly. I posted it on facebook as well, but if you've experienced a miscarriage or loss of an infant, I encourage you to read it. http://thelewisnote.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-miscarriage-matters-if-youre-pro.html

On Thursday I'm getting an award at Weber State. It's part of the Women of Weber awards. I'm getting "Women of Wellness." It's ironic, but this is the least well that I've been in awhile. But it motivates me to get stronger. To do better, and to achieve wellness, both physically and mentally.

Weight Loss and Pregnancy.

I fear that in many ways this blog has fallen by the way side. I have simply run out of things to say. I want to say something interesting, but I am at the maintenance phase. I reached goal weight, and I've been here for awhile. I have envisioned writing posts about my life each day, and all they would be is "Still maintaining." A few months ago, Chad and I decided that we would try to get pregnant. Seriously, I got pregnant that week. This was astonishing to me. I had so many fertility issues with both Logan and Jonah. To get pregnant with Logan, I was taking 8 Clomid at once. It was insane. It took 3 years of trying, and 2 1/2 years of fertility treatments with Logan. With Jonah, I knew it was going to be an issue. So 4 months after Logan was born, we started fertility treatments. They are almost exactly 2 years apart. Chad and I were shocked at how quickly I was able to get pregnant. We were thrilled. We had names picked out and started stock-piling diapers. Then, I miscarried. It was horrible. I cried and cried. Chad was so sweet. We met with my doctor who kindly told me I was no longer pregnant. He gently added insult to injury "You're getting older. If you are planning on another, we should come up with a game plan." His plan was to start me on Clomid with my very next cycle. That was never necessary. I was pregnant 9 days later. I kept thinking to myself, "Eventually these hormones are going to balance out, and this nausea will go away."

I took a test and it was positive. Then, the REAL vomiting set in. At about 7 weeks, my vomiting led to Orthostatic Hypotension (dehydration that leads to low blood pressure and passing out) I passed out and tumbled down 10 stairs. The lies that I told myself before I went into this pregnancy became painfully obvious. (Both figuratively and literally) 1.IT WILL BE EASIER BECAUSE I AM IN BETTER SHAPE This may be the case later in the pregnancy. We will see. But as my doctor said "Hormones are hormones." Yeah, I guess being thinner won't help with that. Also, I may be thinner, but I'm almost 9 years older than the last time I did this (and last time I did this, I lost 85 pounds!) 2. I WILL WORKOUT MORE I am so dehydrated and ill, I can barely walk. On my good days, I go for a 30 minute walk. On my bad days, I focus on Nots. Not killing my kids or my husband. This is a far departure from the 70-80 squats and high intensity workouts I was doing less than 8 weeks ago. 3. I WILL EAT ONLY A PERFECTLY HEALTHY/BALANCED DIET Sometimes, when you vomit so much, basically everything you eat, when you can keep down a lemon scone, you eat lemon scones (often). Then you go to pinterest and try to find the recipe for the fatty lemony deliciousness in scone form because calories are better than nothing. (right?) You try to justify eating whatever you can keep down despite your nutrition minor education that tells you that you should never ever ever eat scones as a primary source of calories. Often times, being over weight is blamed for every single medical condition known to man. This month I have realized, losing weight did help my infertility issues. But, I am at an ideal body weight, I live a healthy lifestyle and I suffer from extreme hyperemesis. My doctor has put me on home care and I will be giving myself Iv's at home and attempting to finish school. If I lose any more weight, I will have to get a feeding tube inserted. This is my reality. This has been my reality. Being thin didn't fix it. It's something I can manage and maintain, but there's no magic cure (that will come before October when our sweet baby is born) But, I'm thankful to have this as a problem and have a baby coming to our family.

Big News

I've stayed away a long time. I have had people use this blog as a way to "keep track of me." People that I would prefer not to have in my life. I guess that's what happens when you collect ex husbands. Chad and I celebrated our second anniversary last week. What a lucky girl I am! Many people have asked us if we would have more children together. Instead of reliving painful fertility issues with each and every person that asks the question, I have simply answered the question with a myriad of responses including, "Don't you think 4 kids is enough?" or "I have a six year old and 3 eight year olds." Neither of these answered the question. But generally people ask this question to make conversation, not because they are actually interested in the details. It's like when someone asks "Hey, How are you doing?" They don't want to hear "It's been an awful day...." They are expecting the response "good." When people ask the question "Will you have kids?" They want a yes or no answer. There were so many factors. I fear getting fat. I have lost over 200 pounds. Yeah, I have no desire to be fat again. I have had a tummy tuck to remove excess skin. A baby will ruin my cute flat stomach.

It took a huge amount of fertility treatments for me to get pregnant with both Logan and Jonah. It took 3 years to get pregnant with Logan. Two years with Jonah. It was very trying. At one point, I took 8 Clomid at once in addition to Glucophage in an attempt to get pregnant. I am at the point in my life, that I don't take medications unless absolutely necessary. Clomid has a huge risk of ovarian cancer associated with it and Chad and I decided that the risk was not worth it to us. He said he'd rather not have a baby and still have a wife. With that in mind, In September, we decided to try and get pregnant. I have gotten the Depo Provera shot for 2 years. I have heard that Depo can stop pregnancy for at least as long as you were on it. My time frame was 35. If I wasn't pregnant by 35, I was done. I was going to have a hysterectomy and call it good. The risk of complications are just too high older. I am fairly high risk anyways. I turn 35 in June. My cycle didn't start until late November, and here I am in January, 7 weeks pregnant. I am thrilled, excited, nervous (very nervous) and still worried about how this will affect my body. I have been a bit of a slacker since I started school a year and a half ago. My 5 days a week work out routines have turned to 3 days a week....if I'm lucky. My rigid healthy eating habits have bended a little and I allow us to eat the occasional pizza or treat. I have gained 10 pounds. My tummy tuck was very difficult to recover from and I have still not built all of my muscle mass back. This year, I have new incentive to get super in shape. It can only help my pregnancy and delivery. My diet is back on track. Nothing processed, nothing in without nutritional benefit for my mini monkey. I am taking adolescent nutrition this semester in school which is very fitting. My teacher is a Registered Dietician and I am meeting with her this week to get a diet plan set up. I plan to continue exercising. I read this article this week and it helped to ease my fears. I am having a baby. My cute belly may not survive. That's ok. http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html I will eat healthy, workout and do my best. It's all I can do.

Dreams

Two and a half years ago, I weighed 362 pounds. I was sick and tired and eating myself to death. 

In two days, I am headed to Colorado to take classes from the American College of Sports Medicine to help get me ready to be a certified personal trainer. 

Sometimes I forget the old me.  Sometimes I don't realize how far I have come. 

Sometimes I forget that anything is possible, but it is. 

The "F" word

I am consistent. If I could count the 10 pounds I gain then lose again, I would be up to over 300 pounds lost, seriously.

I go between 165-175. Once, I got down to 162 for 17 minutes. It was a good day, but it didn't last. (Well, it didn't last longer than 17 minutes)

Last semester, in nutrition we learned about "The set point theory."  This is the theory that your body has a certain preset weight of where it wants to be.  There may be something to this, but I keep losing, and my body keeps adjusting.   

That's one explanation, the other is my lymph edema. I got this as a result of my skin removal surgery. My legs swell up with fluid. On bad days, it hurts to walk. I push through and as long as I take my medicine and continue to work out, I continue to lose back down to 165, in which it all starts over again. 

There's a third option.  A filthy horrible option that I keep in the back of my mind. I can't even say it.  It's a word that starts with F. Ok fine, F-A-T. 

I worry that I am getting fat. (Pardon my language) I worry that this time, I won't be able to lose the weight and will continue to balloon. 

Normally I am able to push aside the last fear as irrational and unscientific. This week, I ballooned to 175 yet again.  I hit the gym, I watched what I ate, and I gained. (177) I hit the gym even harder, still watched my weight, and I woke up the next day at 180.2. I will admit, I had a complete nervous breakdown. It was 3:30 in the morning, I was getting ready for work and I seriously woke Chad up to tell him about my current weight. 

He grunted and said "Hmm, that's about half of what I weigh, good job baby." And rolled over.  Men.

I hit the gym again. I lost 6.2 pounds the next day.  But it let in the fear and worry. 

Our family is doing a family biggest loser with Chads mom and siblings. I am dedicated to winning. I have the least to lost, but I am so dedicated!!! 

I am hoping to force my "set point" lower than where it is now.

Schools out for the summer.

Well I did it. My first semester at school is complete. I didn't get a 4.0 as I had hoped, but the grades were A, A, A-, B+, and B. my nutrition class and history were my struggles. More than half of the students in both of those classes failed. Glad to not be the statistic there.

I was awarded a job as the marketing editor for one of the literary magazines at school, which gives me a tuition waiver. I was thrilled with the opportunity.

In two weeks I am taking a course on becoming a personal trainer from the American College of Sports Medicine. we fly out to Colorado for a 3-day seminar (12 hours a day)
I have to admit, I am really excited for all of these new changes.

Also my tour de cure bike race is coming up in less than a month (please please donate) I have to raise $150 to compete and am definately not there. That will be my focus over the next couple of weeks.

Since I have only ridden a real bike once since it has thawed, I am going to really be pushing the training as well. I have to get back to being capable of riding 100 miles again!!!!!

7 months post tummy tuck

So it's been 7 months since my tummy tuck surgery. I have had people see my scar randomly when I bent over. People generally will ask "Wow, what happened?"

These are my top favorite responses to give:

1. I used to be an intern for David Copperield, and well, he only gets it right 95% of the time.

2. Mole removal.

3. I used to be a mermaid.

So here are my pictures 7 months following surgery.

I had a friend ask me if the surgery left a nasty scar. I told him "yep, a full circle"

He asked me why I would ever do it. I said "Before, I looked terrible with my clothes off or on. Now, at least I look good with my clothes on."

Super human

I have had people lately tell me they are not capable of losing weight for whatever reason.

I have one thing to say about that:

Anyone can lose weight. I mean anyone. There are just 5 basic rules:

1. Workout-shoot for a minimum of 30 minutes, 5 times a week.

2. Eat healthy food. Cut out high fat foods, processed foods and anything from a restaurant or fast food chain

3. Develop a support system: find people who will support you and be accountable

4. Plan for success: buy fresh foods, pack healthy snacks and lunches so you aren't a victim of the vending machine.

5. Count on success. Make small objectives to reach your over all goal. Buy a goal dress or pants that is a size smaller and work for that goal.

It frustrates me because I am not super human or amazing. I am simply consistent.

If I can do this, anyone can. Remember, this was once me.

Healthy BMI, 2 pounds from goal.

A few weeks ago I woke up with a healthy BMI. Then I ran out of hydrochlorothyazide. Since my tummy tuck surgery I have retaining fluid like CRAZY. Well, I ran out of meds that help regulate the excess fluid and push that all out. In one week, I gained 9 pounds. For a girl obsessed with her weight, that can wreck havoc. I have gone to the gym extra and even ran (I HATE running). All to no avail. I started back on my prescriptions, and you'll be happy to know it was 100% water weight. So, in two days, I lost 12 pounds after starting my medications. I am down two pounds away from goal weight. So, this next week is the week!!! I am going to hit the gym super hard in the next couple of days. This is what minus 198.2 pounds looks like. (Sorry it's been so long between photos)

Apathy

In the last two years I can't tell you how many times someone has said to me after hearing my life style and how I eat "I would rather be fat!" I will admit that it baffled me. A guy at school was eating a burger, fried chicken strips and French fries. A girl made a "heart disease" comment and he said "Hey, at least I will die happy."
I am the last person to say anything. I have told myself so many lies to justify my old eating habits.
In my personal training class at school, my teacher made a statement that I have been thinking about all week. She said "You don't just talk about eating right and write workouts, you have to inspire people to change their life, to get off their a**."
My question is, what inspires us to kick the apathy to the curb and make life changes?
I would like to say I have beaten apathy, but its still there. Every time I say to myself "You've come a long way, this is as good as it gets". I am copping out.
Anytime I say two college gym classes make up for working out at the gym, it's a lie. But, at the end of the day, I will fight my hardest to make sure my whole family and I eat healthy.
I remember the days of saying "it's too hard/expensive to eat healthy."

"Why try, I will never be skinny"

These attitudes took me from 240 my junior year of high school to 365.

These are lies we tell ourselves. Mono saturated fats and hydrounsaturated fats have been linked to heart disease and cancer. You won't die happy, you will die one of the most painful agonizing deaths you can imagine.

Apathy keeps us who we are and prevents us from being who we want to become


But can anyone inspire someone to put aside the apathy and become the person they were meant to be, or is it something they have to find within themselves?

I hope it can be inspired...
What has inspired change within you?

Nutrition

This is my first semester in school. I am studying Human performance management with an emphasis on wellness and a minor in nutrition, yeah, it's a mouthful I know. I am taking my very first nutrition class, pretty much ever. I was raised without basic knowledge of what is truly healthy. In my home, my mom considered "home made" healthy. I never truly had an understanding of what my body needs to survive. I think many Americans don't have that basic knowledge. When I started my weight loss journey, I got my "blue bible" from my doctor's office. I followed it like it was literally the bible. It told me carbs and fruits were bad. I believed that. I went nearly two years without eating carbs, fruits and sugar and then it started to affect my kidneys. I didn't understand how, when I was so much healthier, a carb free diet would shut down my kidneys. Well, After less than a month, I understand. Our body needs carbs, proteins, vitamins, minerals, water and even fats to survive. What we all need to do is eat balanced diets, with balanced calories and lots of diversity with the things we eat. I was eating 1000-1200 calories max. My nutrition teacher told me that the minimum that I should be eating was 1,600 calories. I thought she was insane. I thought to myself "She is a very educated woman. Maybe you should listen" So, I tried things "her way." The results, in two weeks, I have lost 6 pounds. It needs to be said that excluding my tummy tuck surgery in which they slashed off 25ish pounds of skin, I have not lost a single pound in 7 months. Nothing. There is something to be said for eating a little more. I don't ever think about food. I'm never hungry and my body feels energized and great. Another thing I have learned about is hydrogenated oils. This is where hydrogen is added to food to basically make the foods go from saturated fat to unsaturated fat. This process is not natural and is found in many processed foods. It is worse for your body than saturated fats because your body does not recognize that they are fats that need to be broken up and essentially they go straight to build calcium that lines your heart. NO BUENO. This is present in fast foods. It's in Cheetos, Doritos Bisquick, basically anything that uses shortening, it's in frozen foods like pies and waffles and cream filled anything (ie twinkies, ding dongs etc)also it's in doughnuts and basically anything deep fried. These are foods that tear down the body, they do absolutely nothing to nourish or build. They are items that should NEVER EVER be eaten. There is one thing I have learned, You can't control what other people put in food. Cook your own food, avoid processed food and don't eat fast food. Please, stuff like this is so scary. End of rant.

Goals and getting there

In two years, it's amazing how much life has changed.  There's one thing I have learned, there are no limits except for the ones you set for yourself.

I started school a few weeks ago.  I am majoring in Human Performance Management with an emphasis on Wellness and a minor in nutrition.  Two years if I had made that statement, it would have been a punchline to a joke. 

I never imagined my life could be this.  I never knew what happy was.  I am happy now.

I have had people ask me "How do you do it?"

1. I weigh every single day.

Yes its obsessive, but it keeps me accountable.  Its much easier to lose .5 pounds from the day before, than 5 pounds at the end of the week.

2. I count the calories for everything I eat, every single day no exceptions.

3.  I have changed my relationship with food.  I eat foods that nourish and strengthen. The food I eat is my body's only fuel.

4. I am accountable.  It's no one's fault if I gain weight but my own.  Genetics, environment whatever, I control what I put in my mouth, and if it is sensible and healthy, I will be healthy.  No more excuses.

5.  I plan ahead. I pack healthy snacks, breakfasts and lunch so I am not a victim of vending machines or fast food.

6.  I love myself and realize I deserve better than my former life. 

Thats really all there is to it.  Anyone can do it.

As for new goals, I am very close to my goal weight and even closer (1 lb away) from a healthy BMI.
I am working towards this, 1 step at a time.

I have made some distant goals to have something to work towards.  As you can see from the horrible pics, my arms are doubled in size because of excess skin.  Minus plastic surgery, all I can try to do is tone and build muscle.  Honestly, those would be some big guns...but here are my befores.  My goal is to build muscle density and improve my arms.  So often we try to hide our imperfections.  Hello, my name is Lauralee and I have batwings.  I'm going to try hard to fix that. ;)

2 year "Surgiversary"

On the 28th, it will be two years since I had RNY gastric bypass surgery.  Since then, I have lost 195 pounds and 12 dress sizes. 

So thankful for all of the changes this has brought to my life!

School Schedule Selected

I finally got my work schedule. I will be working 530 am to 930 am with Friday, Saturday, Sundays off. I had registered for 20 credit hours to allow me to be able to drop classes, so I could find something that would work. I am majoring in Human performance management with a minor in Nutrition. I will be taking American Civilizations, Healthy Lifestyles, Human Nutrition, Kempo and Human Performance Management. I am really excited for this new adventure in my life. I feel like with the knowledge I have learned over the past two years, that I can really help others. I think it will also help reinforce my knowledge and can only improve my workout and nutrition routines. In about a week, it will be my two year "surgiversary." I hate the term "surgiversary," but I am unsure what else to call it. It was December 28, 2010 that I decided to take control of my life. Since then I have lost 191 pounds and my life has completely changed. I have gone from a sad, miserable existance to a happy fullfilling life. I will try and post a few pictures within the next couple of days. I will also be updating my food blog in the next day or so, so check it out. www.skinnymonkeysecrets.blogspot.com

I'm not jewish anymore

Watch "Anti- Denetite" on YouTube

One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld is where Jerry's dentist joins the jewish religion for the jokes.  (If you have never seen it, watch the highlights here)

A few weeks a go I made a statement on facebook that offended many.  In essence I said:

"I saw a girl loading 80+ boxed of fake oreos into her cart at the opening of trader joes.  She said to me, 'Hey, no judging!'  I laughed and said, 'No judgement here.'  I lied, I was totally judging her."

I went on to clarify that the fake oreos were half the size of a regular box of oreos and were $3 a box! There was easily $240 worth of fake oreos!!!

The clarification didn't help my cause.  I recieved half a dozen hate mail messages.  I never meant to offend. I don't see myself as someone who is thin. 

I would have posted the same comments at 362 pounds and people would have been ok with that because I was overweight and part of that population.  I was laughing at myself too.  I also ate poorly. 

Now, some consider me a threat.  I am the girl who eats healthy and works out all the time.  The reminder that success is possible if you work hard enough.
I am that girl, the one who is a size 8, but wants to lose another 10 pounds.  I hated her too, at one time.

I don't identify with thin people.  I have been obese since I was in second grade.  My inner voice in my head is still critical.  I joke about my cankles and having junk in the trunk because that is where my insecurities lie.  I don't joke about these things because I am "insensitive" or because I have "lost touch" with reality, but because I have ALWAYS masked my insecurities with humor.  My dry, as is sense of humor was my greatest strength (when I felt I had nothing else to offer)

I am starting to be more confident, but I still check to make sure I won't break chairs, go into the biggest bathroom stalls so I know I will fit, and suck in when I try to fasten my seat belt on an airplane.

Please be patient with me, I forget, I'm not jewish anymore.

Why America is FAT *rant*

In the past two years, I have eaten fast food twice.  I had a bowl of Wendys chilli and a kids meal at Subway. 

At work, everyone is obsessed with McDonalds and these Monopoly game peices.  Some girls at work were talking about how great the fries are.  They asked if I agreed.  I told them I don't remember what McDonalds fries taste like, but I dont miss them.

They gasped, eyes bugged in disbelief.  I said "I havent eaten McDonalds in over two years."

They stared at me like I had just given birth to an alien baby.

McDonalds is not that great, seriously.  NOT worth the calories.

McDonalds is not a crime of passion.  you dont say "I wanted a really delicious burger, so I went to McDonalds."

You say "I was really hungry, termites ate the floor out of my kitchen so I couldnt cook, and it was the first burger joint I saw."

We have become a nation of convenience.  We are a nation of what is easy.  We drive every where, we eat garbage from the drive through, thats why america is fat.  It doesnt have a dang thing to do with genes.   rant over.

Hypoglycemia

It's been a rough week!! Things are starting to look up though.
It started with abdominal pain and vomitting, then I started to pass out.

The doctors have ruled out infection heart issues.  We have found out the passing out is caused by hypoglycia.  We are still not sure what was causing the abdominal pain, but that is improving. 

For the next month, I will have to test my blood sugars 4 times a day.  Also, I have to switch to eating 6 small meals a day. 

Today was my first day eating 6 small meals and it was the first time in several days that I haven't passed out.

A friend of mine sent me a message saying the same thing was going on with her and suggested the hypoglycemia.

I did a little research, and it appears to be fairly common with gastric bypass patients.

Hidden blessings and Vitamin E

7 months ago, my drivers license was suspended for too many points. The speeding Ticket that lost me my license was 3 miles over the speed Limit. I was devastated. At the time I was a size 12-14.  My suspended license gave me the opportunity to do something I love a lot; ride my bike. Now, 7 months later, I wear a size 6-8.
  I was embarrassed and didn't tell many about it.  Now, I have my license back, but still ride my bike almost everywhere. I have learned one big lesson. It is a lesson many europeans and other nations know, but few americans understand.
  Life is about the journey.  Its not about how fast you get to the end.Riding my bike takes longer, but it makes me happy and healthy.   A rushed life is not a happy life.
I have learned a crazy weird secret.
I had a tummy tuck about 6 weeks ago.  I had horrible scars that stuck out about an inch.  When i went to visit the plastic surgeon, he wanted to sell me "Vitamin e cream for about $100. He said IT would help significantly.  Well, the day I had the appointment, we found out that Chads work had decided Not to pay him for the time He was off taking care of me.  There was no $100.  The doctor assured me i only had a few weeks to treat the scar and then it would be forever.  I take Vitamin E Gel caps.  I cut several Gel caps open and rubbed the Gel onto the incisions and the puffy gross poking out scars have gone down and look great.  Cost $4.  Just thought I would.mention it.

It's Official

It's official. I am a student at Weber State University. I start next semester and I am going to just do online courses so I can still be at home with my kids. I am going to meet with a councilor tomorrow. I am wanting to be a personal trainer. That is only offered at Weber State through a Bachelors degree. I am thinking about minoring in nutrition, or maybe just getting my associates degree in that. I am still deciding what will be right for me. I am really excited, but the dynamic has changed for me a lot. I was easily the oldest person I saw on campus. Before, when I went to school there, I was one of the youngest. I was also the fattest. I guess I don't mind this dynamic. :) When I started this journey, if you had told me that my career goal would be personal training and nutrition, I would have never believed it. A few weeks ago. I ran into a friend of mine that I used to work with. He is an older gentleman. He looked me up and down and told me I look great. I told him how cycling had become my new love. We talked about how much life had changed for me. I made the comment "If you told me 2 years ago I would be riding 60-80 mile bike races, I would have never believed it!" He laughed and said "No one would have." That is what this surgery has done for me. Yes, it has changed other peoples view on me, but it has changed my view of myself. I know anything is possible. If I can lose 190 pounds, I can do anything. I know that. Next step, a college degree.

Changes

Some events lately have made me evaluate my life and what is important.  As a result, I quit my second job selling insurance to be able to be with my kids.

During my evualation of life, I had to ask “What makes me happiest?"

Obviously my kids and family are at the very top of this list.  When I look at what makes me feel most fullfilled, it is helping others find a healthier lifestyle.  I have decided to do online courses for personal training and eventually get my degree in nutrition.
If you had told me two years ago that this would be my bliss,  I would have never believed it!

I am tentatively planning on starting school in January. 

I am also thinking about growing my hair longer.  I have had super short hair since I was 19, that's the same hairstyle for about 14 years.

So vote now:  short hair or should I grow it?